My heart is messier than my room
There might be clothes lying around. With memories of where I wore them and who took them off.
The red dress is lying on the floor. It’s a wardrobe of its own. It’s a reminder that I put up a front of confidence. It tells you I know what I’m doing, that I’m a nice person who cares about what others think, of how I know first impressions are important. But it’s lying there, disregarded as soon as you walk through the door.
You can find bobby pins all around, bread crumbs from the past, putting together a trail to where it all went wrong. This place was spotless, but now these little signs show you how I’ve learnt and what I’ve been through; how there were people who I felt comfortable with to put my hair up. They’re hidden in the most obscure of places and exactly when you thought you couldn’t find any more, you’ll one day discover they’re everywhere and you can’t get rid of them; just accept them.
There’s a bit of dust everywhere. Not covering it all just of yet; you could get rid of it with a quick swipe. But it’s starting to settle and it announces no one’s been through here in a while. It’s just been me and my feelings, gathering the particles and clinging on to them as they represent the pause my heart has needed.
Then there are the pictures on the wall, showing where I’ve been and what inspires me. You don’t see these at first; you have to question, to ask about the past and about abstract feelings and not everyone is comfortable with that. They lead to the most interesting conversations, but are you brave enough?
If you start looking in drawers, you might get lost in the sea of unnecessary things hidden away. If you open the wrong one, they might just fill up the room and you’ll find yourself swimming in a sea of regret, mistakes and misadventure.
Then there are the boxes. Boxes of people long forgotten that somehow always find a way of getting spilled on the floor. You might pick up one of these and then a necklace that says ‘Forever’ catches your eye. It’s now rusty and you see how ironic it is that even Forever doesn’t last the passage of time.
A cute fluffy animal is hidden away in a dark corner of the wardrobe. It has instructions that say if you put it in the microwave for 3 minutes, it can heat the whole place up. You can see it hasn’t been loved in a long time and its warmth has long gone from its limp body.
Finally you get in front of the mirror and it’s so clean and clear you can see every one of your freckles staring back of you. The light from the window shines so bright it gives an eery feel to the place.
This might be messy and complicated, but it’s honest. It knows itself better than any other place, with all its nooks and crannies. It might be a scary room to go, but it’s not afraid of turning the light on itself and remembering. Because the darkest corners are the ones we turn our backs on.